A Life Less Ordinary

Juliet and Mike started accessing support from ‘ADS’ Charity about ten years ago. It had become clear that Mike was having difficulties that were starting to seriously impact their day-to-day lives. The GP referred Mike to the NHS Memory Clinic and a Dementia diagnosis soon followed.

Juliet and Mike were finding managing his diagnosis particularly hard. They had only recently arrived in the UK from Zimbabwe and knew hardly anyone at the time of the Dementia diagnosis. They felt completely frightened, adrift and overwhelmed.

It was at this point that they were introduced to ‘ADS’, and so their long standing relationship with the Charity began.

Mike and Juliet lived in Zimbabwe for most of their lives. His Dad was from the UK, but spent a long time serving with the British Army in India before moving to Zimbabwe (called Rhodesia back then), where Mike was born. Juliet’s family was from the UK and moved to Zimbabwe when she was a young child. Mike and Juliet married and got themselves a piece of land where they spent the following fifty years building a life and turning the land into a farm that supported their family as well as numerous other local families (that worked on their farm and were dependants). Life in Zimbabwe was very different to life in the UK.

Life on the farm involved lots of hard work, long long days without much time for hobbies or free time. In the beginning the farm had no plumbing, electricity or modern conveniences. It took many years of dedication and hard work to build it all up. At the same time, Mike and Juliet were raising their son. Life could not have been busier, but they were happy. Although the family did not have much time for leisurely activities, there was one thing that they would make time for. They had built a dam on their land, and every Sunday they would pack a picnic and head for the dam where they enjoyed fishing - a much loved family tradition.

Sadly, at the time when Mike and Juliet were starting to plan for retirement and a change of pace, the social political situation in Zimbabwe changed and they were forced to leave in a hurry. They fled to the UK. Their son followed with his family, so they were not alone.

Life in the UK was very different from what they were used to. One moment they were living and working on a large bustling farm surrounded by family and a community they had come to know and love over a 50 year period. The next moment, they were in Maidenhead, in a one bedroom flat, where they knew no one, had no sense of purpose, had lost their sense of identity and all the things they spent their life working for. They had to start all over again, at the age of 70. It was quite scary. In the middle of all this major turmoil, it was becoming increasingly clear that something was not quite right with Mike. This is where our story with Juliet and Mike began, when they took the first step towards diagnosis: booking a visit to see their GP.

A Life in Two Acts

Mike had already started showing symptoms of Dementia while in Zimbabwe, Juliet would notice that he was starting to do things like polish his shoes over and over again -forgetting that he had already polished them. But, they were still able to carry on with daily life. It wasn’t until they arrived in the UK, that it became clear that they were dealing with a much more serious issue. It is also when Juliet increasingly started to take on the role of Carer. She faced many challenges, from trying to navigate where to find the right support for Mike, to making new friends – which at the best of times is not easy when you are 70. Things were made more challenging by having additional Carer responsibilities. It helped a lot that their son and his family were close by, but their son had his own young family to look after as well, so things were not easy.

Caring for a person on their ‘Dementia journey’ can be a very demanding, and often lonely challenge. Help us be there for those affected by Dementia in our local community. Read Juliet’s Story and Give the Gift of Hope this summer by donating today at: *https://bit.ly/BLOG-SA25* *or ring our supporter care team on 01628 947488 for other ways to make a gift to the charity.*

The time came had come when their son had to take the car away from Mike, it was clear that it was no longer safe for him to drive. This meant, they had to find different ways to navigate day-to-day logistics.

Juliet felt frightened by their situation, but she made herself go to the ‘ADS’ Services in order to find a supportive network and people who understood what they were going through. “It was the best thing that we could have done. I went along and introduced myself to everyone. We felt right at home.”

They started to attend a number of services. As Mike had always been very sporty, he joined the Out & About Group with Sandra. He particularly loved the trips to do with farm visits and crops. “He came alive when he went on those day trips”.

“We went on two of the seaside holiday trips with ‘ADS’. I’ve never been on another holiday since, but gosh did we enjoy those. The second time, Mike would still walk, but wouldn’t do anything else. I could go out a bit, and have a bit of time doing something for myself.”

“Terrie and her team were our saviours. Whenever there was a problem, Mike would say: “Go ask Terrie”. As Mike’s Dementia progressed, things became much harder and we became much more confined to our one bedroom flat. It was not easy when we had been used to living on a farm for over fifty years. The evenings became particularly challenging. In the evenings, when at the farm, Mike’s daily routine included locking up all the outbuildings, the sheds etc. every night. So, when his Dementia got worse, he believed he was back at the farm again and I would have to continually stop him from going outside at night as he would want to go lock up barns and outbuildings.”

Things were increasingly becoming harder for Juliet at home with Mike. It was starting to become unsafe for Mike with the continuous attempts at an escapade to do ‘farm duties’ outside. He would become frustrated - he was convinced that he was still back in Zimbabwe on the farm. And he wanted to go to his beloved dam, to go fishing. And he could not go. The good thing was though that despite the fact that he was losing so many of his memories, the memories of fishing at his beloved dam were still there and gave him comfort.

Mike would also get frustrated because he could not understand why he could not have his car back. Juliet’s sleep was severely affected. She was getting no sleep at all and was on constant alert during the night in case Mike wandered out. “As his Carer, I was left to pick up the pieces that Dementia had wreaked on our lives”.

Juliet was in danger of having Carer Breakdown. Terrie stepped in and advised Juliet and her son that it was time to start considering a care home for Mike. They made an appointment, and it was confirmed by the Care Home that Mike was ready and needed to go into the home. We felt that it was a very good fit for Mike. Once at the Care Home, one of the ladies working there was also Zimbabwean. Mike could reminisce with her about Zimbabwe and speak in the native Shona language. He loved it there and was very settled, although he kept waking everyone up by knocking at their doors at ungodly hours to ‘go do farm work outside’.

Full Circle

“We made many friends at ‘ADS’, up to the point when Mike passed away. I did not want to leave the community, so I started volunteering. I used to drive Sandy, who was responsible for collecting the charity collection tins, to help her. That used to be a super day out for me. I was finally getting back into joining the real world again. One day, my car got broken into and the tins were stolen. That gave me quite a scare and I stopped volunteering. I started making friends from my daily two hour walks. I love meeting People and making friends. I know a lot of People in the village now.”

“Then one day, my son Mark took my car away. He said: ‘Mum, you have Dementia’.”

“I did not notice it myself at first, someone else did. When Mike was diagnosed, his Dementia was different, so I could not accept it at first. But Terrie explained that Dementia is very different for everyone, it will not look the same for two different people.”

“Once I was diagnosed, I wanted to come back to the ‘ADS’ community, where we had found so much support previously. I started attending the services again. It was different the second time around. The friends we had made when I used to come as a Carer, were no longer there. There were new people I did not know. That was difficult initially, I had to start all over again.”

“ I attended my services, I would also meet with Terrie for one-to-one support. I carried on with my daily two hour walks where I continued to enjoy talking to People. I have made one particular friend through my walks, who has become very close. We meet daily for cups of tea and a chat and that is important for me. I also do puzzles, I play special games on the iPad, and I read books. Terrie told me that it is important that I stay fit and keep my brain active, to slow its deterioration. She also says that I am quite independent and determined, so we decided that alongside the ‘ADS’ activities, I should also start attending the Day Centre. There, days provide additional activities and opportunities for socializing - and Terrie has advised us that I need the extra stimulation.

“When Juliet was diagnosed with Dementia she was still determined to get on with her life. Go out as much as she can, meet as many people as she could and keep busy. At the Connection Café she always asks about any new members, and which one is the one Cared for. She always goes to introduce herself and talks to them. She keeps her brain busy with games on her laptop. Juliet will always talk to me about any difficulties and challenges she faces looking for advice. I felt that although Juliet lives in an assisted community environment this can also be a very lonely place and Juliet thrives talking to and meeting People which is why I suggested the Day Centre at Boyn Grove where Mike used to go. She enjoys this immensely.”

— Terrie Hall - 'ADS' Charity Senior Dementia Advisor

The Quiet Impact

“I enjoy meeting friends, reading, going for my walks and having someone to talk to. Without ‘ADS’ we would just have been miserable. I love ‘ADS’ and it is just such a shame that I am returning in sad circumstances.”

“I would like to tell the story of my experiences with Dementia, because it created such a big change to our lives. Having the right support made all the difference for us. Having ‘ADS’ saved our lives.”